The Art of Being Human: Navigating Nanny-Parent Relationships

Disagreements about raising children are completely normal. They can happen between parents, grandparents, friends, or even well-meaning strangers offering advice. Each of us was raised differently, and our parenting style often reflects what we experienced as children. Naturally, we care deeply about our kids, which can make disagreements feel intense.

It’s no surprise, then, that the relationship between a family and their nanny can sometimes be tricky. When parents hire a nanny, they’re looking for someone who shares their values and approach to childcare. But if expectations aren’t aligned—or communication breaks down—frustration can build.

Understanding Communication

Communication is about more than words. Tone, body language, and how we respond all matter. Psychologist John Gottman identified four communication patterns that can harm relationships if left unchecked: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. We’ve all experienced these at some point—but the good news is, it’s normal, and it’s part of being human.

Many families and nannies navigate conflicts successfully and go on to build strong, long-lasting relationships. The key is to approach the situation thoughtfully and intentionally.

Steps to Navigate Nanny-Parent Conflicts

Step 1: Analyze the Problem

Grab a pen and paper and write:

1. What did you like about your nanny when you first hired them?

2. Make two lists—what you like and dislike about their childcare style, dependability, creativity, and overall contributions to your child’s development.

3. Highlight the most important items on both lists.

4. Reflect on the lists: what do they reveal about how you feel? Trust your instincts—they’re often surprisingly accurate.

Step 2: Schedule a Calm Meeting

Choose a time outside of work hours, away from the children, and preferably away from home distractions. Approach the conversation with care:

• Let your nanny know the goal is to share thoughts and understand each other, not to make immediate decisions.

• Ask your nanny to do the same exercise: listing likes and dislikes about their job.

• Start with positive feedback to reassure them.

• Lead with assertiveness but listen actively. Approach the conversation as if you care deeply about the other person—you do!

• Address issues directly but respectfully. How you say things matters as much as what you say.

Step 3: Consider Your Options

After the conversation:

1. Has your perspective on your nanny changed?

2. Do you better understand their challenges or frustrations?

3. Is your nanny still a good role model for your child?

4. What changes could improve the working relationship?

5. Each of you should write 2–3 actionable suggestions to strengthen the partnership.

Step 4: Reach a Resolution

1. Share your suggestions and agree on actionable changes.

2. Update your work agreement to reflect the changes.

3. Set a two-week trial period to see if improvements take effect.

4. Meet again after two weeks to evaluate progress.

5. If things haven’t improved, it may be time to part ways—sometimes moving on is best for your child’s well-being.

Final Thoughts

Conflict is never easy, but when approached calmly and with structure, it can lead to understanding and growth. Remember, disagreements are normal—they’re part of the art of being human. With patience, open communication, and mutual respect, many nanny-parent relationships not only survive but thrive.